MH INITIATIVES
MEHREEN HASHMI

WRITINGS

Confession of a misfit

When I was a little child, my grandmother taught me a prayer to ask for being self-sufficient and independent. She was the only person, a little close to me when during my childhood when I was not allowed to make any friends by my very abusive mother. Well, I don't want to talk about her or her abuse today or my childhood. I want to address all those friends and acquaintances who have turned towards me pointing how easy my life is or how lucky I am to be alone. No, I don't intend to complain about myself but I want to show you about what you have.

Most of us in our society grow among friends, cousins, and siblings. Most of you have mothers pampering you after a long, tiring day. In my story, I was not allowed to rest when even sick, I was not allowed to communicate with my cousins who we rarely met. I was not allowed to talk or play with my siblings. I was not allowed to make friends. If you are curious to know, you can read the details in my other blogs. Now that I am a 33 years old, working woman very self-sufficient and an independent with a bunch of close friends and some weekend routine; It has not always been like this in fact, this has become a routine a few months ago only. I still do not have the best friends who know me completely or to a certain extent but I do have close friends who know bits of me. I have no complains because I have accepted it the way it is and I have always tried to make the best of what has been given to me. I belong to 99.999999 % of this society who literally don't have a family, nope literally not at all. Why? that's another story and its short writing. So coming back to the topic, it has been very difficult to be accepted so I could make friends and feel loved or cared for a while. Let me tell you first, the beginning of this lonely journey, it involves a sad incident so hang in there. It started when I was very little, only to remember the moment when my father was hanging me from that balcony on 4th floor, I turned towards my mother for help and found her smiling on my cries for help. Since that moment until now, I have not felt safe or comforted or understood as a matter of fact. I have been alone during my dark days, at nights during sickness, while traveling (that was happily), being scared during several incidents and so on. My father died last year, and I did not receive any decent condolence, without asking for it, not from the person living next door, I actually told her after two months. Most of the time people around me turn towards me and keep saying your life is so easy. You don't have to deal with family or people for instance. Yes, I don't have people. I was not part of any group photos of friends. I did not get a hug after my car accident, or when my father died. I have hugged a few months ago after crying out loud about my grief. I never get to hang out with friends or have fun because I have to make my ends meet. I was not given the pocket money or I don't get presents as you do from your loved ones. Each and everything in my house has been bought by me entirely. I don't get my birthdays celebrated in fact I have learned to do it all by myself. I don't get a cup of tea made with love by my mother. I don't have anyone praising my achievements in work. I don't get moral support on several occasions. I don't hear that 'Love, you must be so tired.' When I get sick, I have driven myself to the hospital or have taken care of myself. When you are alone, your house does not maintain or your groceries don't' come on their own. You have to take care of each and everything in your life physically, emotionally and literally. So about some people in my life, its difficult for them to be in my shoes. Not having someone around or ever have someone who will organize your funeral at least, is a very scary thought in my situation. I am expected to understand that they have a difficult life than mine because they are in majority. Here is the confession ; I am the one lonely misfit with a dog. I don't get to turn towards anyone and say that 'I am scared' because whenever I did there was only a comparison that I only have myself and they have got hugs and people. We tend to not understand those who we don't see regularly. I have been reminded several times from people with families or at least one person in their lives that we are alone. Yeah, the whole world gets condolence when some one dies and I get this moral support. Off course I know and understand that very intensely. I have accepted the reality the way it is. I do hang out, attend events, go for walks, party on weekends with a bunch of trustworthy friends. But it does not fulfill the void of not having a loving and caring family. I do not want to be told that Its easy for me because that is unfair on so many levels. It does make me vulnerable here to mention this part while living in a city like Karachi but I have seen worse already. One thing, being alone has taught me to be self-sufficient and be myself but there is nothing to lose. So when you see your mother, your child, your wife or your siblings around who love you and care about you, be grateful instead to turning towards lonely people like me and taking out the frustrations of your responsibilities. You never know, when you lose someone. Every one whether alone or with family is fighting an unspoken battle and some of us don’t want to project on others because some people in my shoes don’t get the majority understanding the challenges. Try, doing each and every task physically including comforting and condoling yourself without speaking a word to this world than you will have some idea perhaps. Every things come with a price , for me coming out of an abusive household and stand for my respect and survival, I was never given an emotional and physical break. !t has been fulfilling but a very tiring life where I stand alone without an option of even grieving. Besides all of this, I have valued the tiniest bit of compassion in my life, I adore few moments spent with good people around. I love every present given from a very dear friend as a token of care. I have actually got a whole collection of these presents from this friend. When you have a dark void inside you , you try to hold on to every ray of hope to get through this life. So cherish and value the silver lining. There is always a silver lining , one only has to look at it. In my story, I have got the freedom of living fully as much as I can.